Response to the Poetic Asides day 20 prompt. Trite? Sure. But everyone has to write at least one sunset poem.
Pretty Much Perfect
It was pretty much a perfect sunset,
As these things are measured.
The clouds gave way for the first time this day
As if bowing to accepted protocol.
The world above persistent waves perfectly still,
Palm fronds and sea oats motionless –
Wind noticeably absent.
Irreverent seabirds skittering on smooth sand,
A few taking to wing in ones and twos,
The only motion to mar the scene –
Along with a solitary dolphin
Surfacing to share in the view.
Even the children slow in their splashing,
Some marveling in the spectacle,
Some only surprised by their parent’s stillness.
Sporadic clouds hanging still overhead, breathless,
Proud formations framing the horizon.
Perfect pinks and shades of purples
Start behind the focus of the beach bound gazers,
Sneaking from cloud to cloud,
Splashing each with color – then moving on,
Marching on the brightening horizon.
Deep sighs accompany nightfall,
And the wind releases held breath.
© Mark Windham 2011
3 responses to “Best Ever….”
I find the poem you posted in my comments to be far stronger. I want you to tell me why, though, before I tell you. If the comment poem establishes a strong sense of place, how does this miss? For heaven’s sake wait til your brain comes back. There is one thing in particular, one of the writing sins, that you commit here that you don’t in the comment poem 🙂
So, my first thought is in the area of wordiness; as in far too much. I started seeing rewrites and deletions as I was rereading. Seems to me that I do that any time I tackle the ‘lighter’ subjects. Am I on the right track?
You are on the right track. To be specific: get rid of the adverbs and adjectives and anything vague 🙂